Zeynep’s Reflection on Leadership Session

I have been feeling very lonely, isolated, and a bit lost lately — mainly due to the pandemic and the ongoing catastrophic news and the fears they have awoken in me. Today, Zeynep hoca did truly make me feel understood, seen, and less lonely. Her sincere presentation and her genuine words felt like a warm embrace that I needed so badly.

All my life I have based my self-worth on external sources, and evaluated myself from their perspectives. It has always been other people that I cared about the most– my friends, my family, my ex-boyfriend. I knew this was damaging my self-worth and hurting me deeply, but I couldn’t see a way out. One of the reasons why I could relate to the “Hero’s Journey” that Zeynep Hoca talked about was the fact that I had been through something similar that shaped me into a more self-compassionate (young) adult.

Back in high school, I was in a toxic relationship with a guy who was a narcissist. I was, and had always been, the kind of girl who would put others needs before hers, who would do anything to make others happy at the expense of her own happiness. I was a true people pleaser, and I

thought how others saw me defined me as a person. Therefore, I was the perfect bait for a narcissist. During our relationship, whenever we had a misunderstanding, I would always end up being the person who constantly apologize. He would never make an effort to make it up to me. I was stuck in a self-destructive cycle, and I couldn’t see a way out. I thought this was what love was supposed to be like, and it took me a while to see that the way he was treating me was actually problematic. When we broke up, I slowly yet surely started regaining my senses, and I had to walk through hell and end up in that abyss to finally bounce back and reach that awakening phase. A year after the break up, I had become a completely different person — this version of me was stronger, she prioritized self-love and compassion, she could finally see her worth and knew that her worth couldn’t be defined by how the others saw her.

I have learnt a lot since then. I am on a continuous self-love journey where I am evolving and learning every single day. Zeynep Hoca’s words touched my soul tonight, and made me proud of myself for never giving up on my journey. She was also right when she said that this is not a one-time journey. Two years into the pandemic I can say that I have been through another cycle like that one, and I am still searching for a way out. I have faced my different parts that have been in the dark for so long. I started practicing self-love for real, I learnt how to be alone on my own and how to truly take care of myself when others aren’t there for me.

Now I dedicated myself to my studies and my goals, and I derive satisfaction from being successful, from receiving high grades and a high GPA, and I also value knowledge. There are times when I can get carried away and find myself questioning my self-worth whenever I get a bad grade or when I make a mistake. I know things like that do not diminish my worth, but like every person, sometimes I struggle. It meant the world to me when Zeynep Hoca said that as long as we have self-awareness, we can find a way out. Today’s session was extremely valuable for me, so I wanted to share my feeling right after the session. I guess I am proud of the person I am becoming, and it truly changed my perspective to hear that a leader is someone who has been through that cycle and later decided to share their experiences with the others. This is the kind of definition we need to hear when it comes to leadership.

Zeynep Turasan